七倒八上

This was really me a few days ago when I shuffled around the house in this manner beyond frustration and self-defeat, occasionally wiping away fierce tears with my paint-stained hands. Ok, I exaggerated.

The reason behind my anguish lies mainly in my impatience. I've been experimenting with a new painting medium and it frustrated me to no end because I just couldn't work comfortably with it and I ended up ruining two simple paintings that took me a few hours to do. I panicked and got frustrated, because I've wasted so much time and I felt that it was crucial for me to learn a new medium. All the old insecurities slowly resurfaced and I found myself wading in self deprecation. Painting suddenly became as tough as trying to touch my toes.

I allowed myself to sulk, but only for awhile (like 10 days, just kidding). Sulking is important, it is a critical part of the process to feel better about things. Just like how crying is, but the former is more eco-friendly as it doesn't kill trees so I'd go with that. I also made a drawing out of it –

 

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But I didn't immediately feel better, not until the following night when my japanese teacher asked me to draw a neko (cat) during a class pop quiz. I thought I had heard wrongly but was secretly happy as it was my favouritest thing to do! How did she know, aren't the Japanese amazing?! While I was drawing on the board infront of the class, it was heartening to know that what I enjoy doing can bring joy to others as well. It wasn't the best looking neko on the planet but that mere 30 secs gave me a fresh perspective and a sense of purpose [or perhaps I am just disgustingly optimistic].

People used to tell me that if it's something that you really love, you would do whatever you can to get it. Because of the way that I was, I never saw failing in the part of doing. It didn't make sense to me how you're doing anything right through making mistakes. But that's where you learn, the beauty of distress. While there is a lot of pressure and self-struggle in face of repeated failures since it often takes 10x the effort to get pass yourself, through it you do gain resilience and patience.

I figured that since I've been consistently failing at the attempts of what I enjoy doing, there's no harm taking another plunge because I have nothing to lose. Like the Chinese saying (of Japanese origin) that goes, "七倒八上“ / 七転び八起き (nana-koro-bi-yao-ki) which translate to 'fall down seven times, get up eight' . Everything will work out eventually, just keep going. ☺